The Age of Optimism

                                           A short story by Cindy Hammel       

        At a mere 33 years of age, Samuel Jenkins has established himself as one of the leading experts in bullshit. Early in his career Jenkins confessed to merely dabbling in the bull, but those who know him well will also testify to his ambition and drive. Above and beyond this prestigious specialization he has acquired one of the most outstanding collections of glorified bullshit in the modern world.

        How did he fall into this prestigious curatorship? At first Jenkins never intended to acquire such a vast collection, expecting to merely study bullshit. But it wasn’t long before he specialized in bullshit and was even known to recite bullshit at the occasional dinner party where the wine flowed liberally.

        As with most things in high culture, he fell into the business quite by accident. He was a attending an art opening, hoping the make the society page in the paper the next day while stuffing his face with brie, as any naturally inclined bullshit collector. He was  schmoozing with the fake palm tree next to the shrimp platter when a particularly striking installation of pure shit caught his eye. He had to have it. He hadn’t seen such glorious shit in his entire life, and little to Jenkins’ knowledge at the time, he had quite the eye for knowing bullshit when he saw it. From that moment on it was only a matter of time before he honed his skills and shot straight to the top of the field.

        Once he dug in, he couldn’t get enough. He gave up all previous goals and focused instead on becoming the most respected bullshit expert in the world. His acquisitions came from the friends, colleagues, auctions, public toilets, business mergers, the black market, the purple market, generous gifts from neighboring cattle, and the occasional archeological dig. Granted, he wasn’t archeology’s favorite digger, considering he’s been voted off more than one site. The most dramatic bullshit-digging-debacle occurred somewhere in Wyoming. He mistakenly sat on a particularly unique specimen causing it to shatter beneath his dainty buttocks, but in his defense, the relic did strike an uncanny resemblance to a porcelain crapper. Upon further study, it wasn’t an authentic piece of bullshit anyway. Ever since then Jenkins has had an impeccable eye for counterfeit bullshit as well. 

        Some of the more notable pieces in the Jenkins collection include Hot Air by the ancient great, Gluteus Maximums; Smells like Easy Mac, by the late Scampy Lynx. Questionable Rhetoric and the Internets, by Shrubby G is one of Jenkins most recent prized acquisitions. When asked about his most treasured works, Jenkins discusses one of his more controversial masterpieces, which has spurred a great deal of debate over where to draw the line between bullshit and something else:

        “Latin Mutterings, more popularly referred to as Papal Babble is just so rich and layered with contradiction,” says Jenkins. “Despite the uproar in the media about the schism between the Pope and the Rope, I believe true bullshit can be about anything. So long as it’s impactful.”

        Then there’s Jenkins’ celebrated book, Literal Bullshit. According to both Jenkins and his esteemed sock puppet, Literal Bullshit was shat by the bull himself. When asked about his sources, he naturally claimed it was entirely original, and there’s no doubt that it was.

        After rocketing into the Smithsonian Hall of Bullshit at such a young age, many are wondering what’s next for the rising star. We asked him, and he naturally bullshitted us, discussing the upcoming book tour for his second publication, the Titanium Bull.  The content is still a complete mystery to both Jenkins and his editor. However considering his background, it will certainly be an indestructible masterpiece and an inspiration to the connoisseurs of the shit yet to come. 

© Cindy Hammel 2011. Some rights reserved. Except where otherwise noted, this work is licensed under http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/3.0/