An Introduction to the Epic Poem

           No one disputes the fact that the Bronze Flossing epic originated from the classical oral tradition. Repeated phrases such as, “Eat me, I’m flaky,” “Opened wide, you won’t feel a thing,” or “He did not have sex with that woman,” all resemble chorus lines from the oral deception. However we still know very little about the authorship of the epic. 

            According to legend, Baklava and her donkey, Meningitis, were in literary cahoots. However the true nature of this partnership leaves room for interpretation. Some date the human-donkey duo to the late Gumming Period, (also known as the Smoothie Age*), in which case, this tale would have been an ancient history, documenting the fall of Dentin during the Battle of Plaque, and the ensuing Ten-Year Cleansing.

            Other scholars think it was a sensational work for popular culture and celebrated by the Smiling Republic. If this holds true, Meningitis (the donkey) probably didn’t have a hand in the epic authorship, but because the donkey was somewhere on earth while Baklava wrote the masterpiece, he deserved a slash for Creative Distraction. Close study of the text reveals references to the Bestial Age, (following the Gumming Period.) These references glorify the Accessory Dog Invaders. In which case it would be safe to say that Meningitis wasn’t a donkey at all, but a small yappy dog vaguely resembling an ass, who may have nibbled on the original document. Presently this theory carries significant scholarly weight considering poetic phrases such as, “The dog ate my homework,” “Stop humping that chair,” and “Yip yip yip yip yip.”        

            On a strictly logistical level, the epic’s dependency on a pen, (with which to write, rather than pick ones teeth,) invalidates the opposing theory that Meningitis single handedly authored Bronze Flossing, due to a hoof (or paw) handicap and lack of a narrative exit strategy. Any self-respecting animal left to their own devices would instinctively have an exit strategy (commonly referred to as the Desert
Course led by the Figgie Pudding,) regardless of how illegible their penmanship. 

            So where does this leave us? It leaves us totally confused and rather hungry. All arguments aside, the Epic Poem itself ultimately caused a schism between the soup and salad course, thus making way for the Dessert-First Revolution and a flossing fetish amongst donkeys, accessory dogs and gluttons alike.

* The Gumians were a society of hedonists who later became a major force in the major leagues and cream pie bake-offs.